I tried setting the video recorder to catch some cycling shows while I was up at Bright, but as usual got the programming wrong and recorded parts of an SBS late night movie. The following came up during one of the ad breaks .....
[Usual impossibly smarmy SBS voiceover:]
Smear chamois cream on your jocks before a big day in the office? Scoff carbo gels and Power Bars for morning tea? Can't wait for the day you can buy a full carbon fibre lounge suite? In other words, are you the sort of cycling fan who just can't get enough cycling stuff of any description, any time, any day of the week?
Then "Mike's Magic Moments" is the DVD collection you simply have to have. Specially released by SBS Cycling Productions, this lavish 78 DVD set features the best interviews, commentary, analysis, insight, and pungent no-holds-barred opinion from Australia's most respected cycling commentator, Mike Tumbleonarse, over the full length and breadth of his stellar career. No serious cyclist or cycling fan's collection can be considered complete without Mike's Magic Moments, yours for a special introductory price of only $2.50, that's right only two dollars fifty for 78 DVDs!! And at that price you'll also never need to buy drink coasters again.
As a small taste of what you'll get, here are two short clips from one of Mike's personal favourites in the Collection, DVD number 63, "Mike Lights Up Bright" featuring Mike's interviews with a couple of the big stars at the 2008 Alpine Classic. Slip on your lycra, tighten your helmet, sit back and enjoy the experience:
[Clip 1:]
Mike Tumbleonarse: And one of the biggest secrets at this year's Classic, which I can now reveal for the first time here on SBS Cycling Productions via this exclusive personal live interview, is that Lance Armstrong, seven time Tour de France champion, was part of the peloton at this year's event. Lance, welcome to Australia, welcome to Bright, and welcome to my show. I guess this is a very exciting moment for you?
Lance Armstrong: What, being on your show?
MT: Obviously, but also being in Australia. How do you like being here so far? Does it make you sorry you didn't also concentrate on the Tour Down Under as well as the Tour De France?
LA: Not really.
MT: Great. I love a rider with a sense of humour. Now Lance, since this will be big news around the cycling world, perhaps you can explain why you've switched bike sponsors now that your career's finished? Were you secretly unhappy with the Trek Mad 1 you used to ride in the Tour? I have to say, I wouldn't be too happy riding something called a "Mad 1" myself.
LA: I haven't switched bikes. I still ride my Trek Madone. I'm very happy with it.
MT: But Lance I had exclusive inside information from the Audax organisers that this year you'd be riding an Italian bike, an .. (checks notes) .. an "Incognito"??
LA: I was riding incognito – that doesn't mean my bike, it just means I wasn't advertising my presence on the ride.
MT: So you're not allowed to advertise now that your professional career is over? You've switched back to amateur status?
LA: No, that's not …. Let's just leave that, everyone knows I'm here now. What else did you want to know?
MT: OK, but I'd still like to know more about how Incognito bikes compare with Treks. Perhaps we can come back to it later. Lance, with your famous pride in performance, how did you feel about being thrashed around the course by some skinny half-literate 18 year old kid?
LA: Well Mike it's a cycling challenge event not a race.
MT: Isn't it?? If it's not a race why would anyone bother entering? Why did you bother entering?
LA: The organisers asked me to. Anyway, let's move on, I'm a busy man.
MT: Yes, me too … Um Lance, this is very hilly course – I know because I rode the first 15 kilometres yesterday myself and believe me viewers those climbs are astronomically steep – and obviously weight is critical. So I'd like to take you back to your weight loss treatment in the late 1990's …
LA: My weight loss treatment???
MT: Yes, (checks notes) … I understand you had extensive treatment including chemotherapy, radiotherapy, and orchidectomy, and you lost over 10 kg, helping transform you into the superior climber you subsequently became in the Tour.
LA: Are you serious, they were treatments for my cancer!!!
MT: Oh. So how does being treated with orchids help cure cancer?
LA: What???
MT: Orchidectomy – I assume that means being treated with some extract from orchid plants. Are you a believer in naturopathy?
LA (through gritted teeth): It .. means .. removal .. of .. the .. testes, I had ….
MT: Testies?
LA: TESTICLES!!!
MT: But they don't weigh very much, wouldn't you have done better with liposuction or something? My sister-in-law …
LA: Can we just drop this topic and get back to something non-personal please? Maybe something about the Alpine Classic??!!
MT (Flustered): Right, OK. Lance - I understand Delta Goodrem accompanied you up to Bright for the long weekend. What did she think of the Classic?
LA (through gritted teeth): I … said … something … non … personal !!!!!!
MT: Yes, of course; if I can just clarify that wasn't about you Lance, it was about what Delta thought of the race - I mean challenge. I know my viewers would be very interested in her opinion …
[SUDDEN CUT TO BLACK]
[CLIP 2:]
MT (with black eye): And now viewers, a very special exclusive with the first French professional to have ridden the Alpine Classic, Alain … (checks notes) … Euroneil, that's right Alain Euroneil from the Hawthorn cycling team flew all the way from France to Bright to compete this year.
AE: Ees pronounced `awthorn, as in zee `awthorn Team, Mike. If it ees OK I can ask what ees `appening wiz your eye?
MT: Nothing, nothing, live TV, rushed schedules, make up issues, you know. Nothing to worry about. Now Alain, tell me what attracted you and your Awthorn team all the way from France to the Alpine Classic here in Bright?
AE: Well Mike I am always liking to ride on ze most beautiful parcours, and always I am 'earing how beautiful ees ze parcours of ze Alpine Classique in Bright, so I am coming and `oping to do somesing special on zis parcours for my many fans. I am sinking `ow beautiful it would be to ride a PB, zat for me would be specially beautiful `ere in Bright on zis parcours.
MT: So you ride a "Parcours" bicycle – that is a French bike I assume? How does it compare with the Italian “Incognito” machine?
AE: Non non non - eet means, um, ze route, parcours zat is meaning ze route of ze Classique. I am loving a beautiful route.
MT: Well I'd ask you more about that but after interviewing Lance I'm off personal questions. Let's get back to the ride – what do you think of the course? Tough, eh – I know because I've ridden some if it myself!
AE: Eez nice – `ow you say – course. Some climbing, some descending. Ees pity zere are not really any Alps, but is still being quite beautiful I sink.
MT: And how did the ride go for you, Alain?
AE: Well Mike, ees a little difficult, I am trying to do somesing special for my many fans, but even early in zee ride I am not `aving good sensations in my legs. And later not good sensations in – `ow you say? - ze derriere - anyway I am sinking maybe preparation was not enough especially wiz very long flight to Australie. I am also being a little bit un'appy wiz organiseurs
MT: Why is that Alain?
AE: Well at first I am loving French theme for zee ride, French food, crepes, a little wine, some camembert in ze park, you know zat ees truly a beautiful gesture to make me feel at `ome. But zen zere are appearing at start of ride very silly people in berets and jerseys with stripes talking in worse French accent than Gabriel Gate and I am sinking zis eez perhaps making fun of French people and French accent and zis ees per'aps some distraction of my focus on doing somesing beautiful for my many fans. And zen like I am saying, my sensations in legs and later derriere are not so good for me, so I am getting un'appy and not sinking so much about `ow specially beautiful it would be to win.
MT: Anything else, Alain?
AE: Also on some climbs I am seeing organisers by side of road removing riders from ze velos and spraying in ze faces wiz – ‘ow you say – zucchini spray?, and zis is very disturbing for me
MT: Zucchini spray??
AE: Mais oui, just like we are seeing your gendarmes at ze tennis on ze TV – zucchini spray!! Ees shocking!
MT: Oh, I think you mean capsicum spray, Alain. But I don’t know why the organisers would be doing that rather than leaving it to the police though. Still, little jokes and misunderstandings aside, overall everyone thinks the organisation here is world class …
AE: Per'aps, but zen at checkpoints when I am not `aving good sensations in ze stomache and I am sinking per'aps a croissant, une baguette or even un digestif might `elp, but zey are serving up English muck. "Cream rice" – sacre bleu, zat is pig food to French people. And on La Grande Bouffelo – `ow you say Mount Buffalo – it ees worse, somesing call "trifle" which only English people are eating, in France we would not feed even to pigs, so now my mental sensations are not so good and ees very difficult to do somesing beautiful for my many fans.
MT: But you still achieved a PB for the ride?
AE: Of course, ees my first time `ere so yes I guess I am achieving ze PB.
MT: Fantastic, that is just a wonderful effort, something for all of France to be proud of. Just one last question, Alain if I may
AE: But of course
MT: I can't help noticing your hairy legs. I thought all French professionals – well all European professionals really – rode with clean shaven legs?
AE: What!!! (looks down) – quel horreur, mon dieu, zut alors, croque monsieur … zees morning I am shaving like normale, ees mystery. (ponders) … I am sinking now it can only be testosterone my DS is giving me for recovery – is testosterone making `airs growing very quickly Mike?
MT: I'm not sure Alain, perhaps you'd better ask Lance about that …
[ENDS]
postscript
Alain Euroneil may have achieved a PB but sadly his distant Australian relative Allan O'Neil had to be content with an 8:57 time, due to not having good sensations in the legs – make that the entire body – most of the way up Mount Buffalo, (as well as longer time at stops in order to scoff down delicacies such as Creamed Rice and Trifle.)
Both Alain and Allan plan to return next year in the hope of doing something beautiful for their many fans.
Friday, February 1, 2008
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