Alpine Classic 2009

This year's AAC report has gone multimedia, about 10 years behind the rest of the world.

I imagine that somewhere inside every Alpine Classic rider who sets him/herself a specific time objective is a taskmaster who (in some cases only) might behave a bit like this ...








Most of you have probably seen a lot more versions of the clip used for that report than I had (10 years behind the times again). Its subject certainly had, and was not entirely happy about things ....





OK, OK I know that's enough. No more.

Castlemaine Ride Report

Castlemaine's not a bad spot for riding either.

Headed up there for a family weekend, but the fortunately the definition of "family members" nowadays extends to the bike.

Out early on Sunday morning for a 75km loop through Maldon, Baringhup, Moolort, and Newstead.  Mt Tarrengower in Maldon is a b#&^$ of a climb, 1.9km at 10%+.  Felt like throwing up after the 15% bit near the top.  It must be a few years since the Sun Tour came through here if the "Go Stevo"s and "Pedro Delgado"s painted on the road are any indication.

Don't worry if you've never heard of Moolort, nobody else on earth has either.  This would be a mind-f(*& of a stretch into a southerly headwind, about 20km of dead straight dead flat road through absolutely nowhere, no wonder Raimond Gaita's dad Romulus went bonkers living out here.  But it does have a certain stark beauty.

Refuelled at Newstead General Store amongst a few seven foot six country lads hoeing into meat pies which seemed to be the hangover cure of choice.  Thank god I'm an honorary Dave and don't shave my legs, I felt effete enough dressed in orange lycra sipping on a chocolate milk (the hunger flat preventative of choice).

Back to Castlemaine in time to check out the field for the "NAB Champions" crit unexpectedly (to me) being run in the centre of town.  I'm sure the family thought this was all a plot but I swear I knew nothing about it `til we arrived.  "Maybe I'll stay in the HCC gear and have a crack at the Masters event" I thought.  Sidled up to the desk and glanced at the entry sheet; all ages in together and out of the 15 starters even a nuff-nuff like me recognised names like Sean Finning (Comm Games track gold and Melb-Warrnambool winner) and Tim Dekker (another Melb-`bool winner).  First prize of $500 down to $50 for fourth, surprising there weren't a few more entries.

Definitely safer and less embarrassing on the spectators side of the fence – I'd be dropped before the first corner of the 600m hotdog circuit, so I positioned myself and the kids near one end of the course and confidently predicted there would be at least one crash in the first 5 laps on the horribly off-camber 180 degree turn.  As it was there were about 3 crashes, and a couple of others at the far end as well.  After going down in lap one and then narrowly avoiding the fifth crash, Finning decided to clear out from the carnage, quickly opened a 100m gap, then spent the next 40 minutes on a solo pursuit reeling in the back of the half-dozen riders remaining in the race.  Additional interest was added by random pedestrians sporadically deciding to cross the course oblivious to the rapid approach of the bunch.  Finning made the catch with about 5 minutes to go,  I guess $500 for less than an hour's work (or training) is nice if you can get it.

Rounded off the day's cycling by hopping on CycleSport's TACX simulator and setting second best time of the day for the virtual 1.5km timetrial!!  I think the next oldest contestant up to that point was about 14 years old, but wtf I'll take any placing I can get.

Mike's Magic Moments : Alpine Classic 2008

I tried setting the video recorder to catch some cycling shows while I was up at Bright, but as usual got the programming wrong and recorded parts of an SBS late night movie. The following came up during one of the ad breaks .....


[Usual impossibly smarmy SBS voiceover:]

Smear chamois cream on your jocks before a big day in the office? Scoff carbo gels and Power Bars for morning tea? Can't wait for the day you can buy a full carbon fibre lounge suite? In other words, are you the sort of cycling fan who just can't get enough cycling stuff of any description, any time, any day of the week?

Then "Mike's Magic Moments" is the DVD collection you simply have to have. Specially released by SBS Cycling Productions, this lavish 78 DVD set features the best interviews, commentary, analysis, insight, and pungent no-holds-barred opinion from Australia's most respected cycling commentator, Mike Tumbleonarse, over the full length and breadth of his stellar career. No serious cyclist or cycling fan's collection can be considered complete without Mike's Magic Moments, yours for a special introductory price of only $2.50, that's right only two dollars fifty for 78 DVDs!! And at that price you'll also never need to buy drink coasters again.

As a small taste of what you'll get, here are two short clips from one of Mike's personal favourites in the Collection, DVD number 63, "Mike Lights Up Bright" featuring Mike's interviews with a couple of the big stars at the 2008 Alpine Classic. Slip on your lycra, tighten your helmet, sit back and enjoy the experience:





[Clip 1:]

Mike Tumbleonarse: And one of the biggest secrets at this year's Classic, which I can now reveal for the first time here on SBS Cycling Productions via this exclusive personal live interview, is that Lance Armstrong, seven time Tour de France champion, was part of the peloton at this year's event. Lance, welcome to Australia, welcome to Bright, and welcome to my show. I guess this is a very exciting moment for you?

Lance Armstrong: What, being on your show?

MT: Obviously, but also being in Australia. How do you like being here so far? Does it make you sorry you didn't also concentrate on the Tour Down Under as well as the Tour De France?

LA: Not really.

MT: Great. I love a rider with a sense of humour. Now Lance, since this will be big news around the cycling world, perhaps you can explain why you've switched bike sponsors now that your career's finished? Were you secretly unhappy with the Trek Mad 1 you used to ride in the Tour? I have to say, I wouldn't be too happy riding something called a "Mad 1" myself.

LA: I haven't switched bikes. I still ride my Trek Madone. I'm very happy with it.

MT: But Lance I had exclusive inside information from the Audax organisers that this year you'd be riding an Italian bike, an .. (checks notes) .. an "Incognito"??

LA: I was riding incognito – that doesn't mean my bike, it just means I wasn't advertising my presence on the ride.

MT: So you're not allowed to advertise now that your professional career is over? You've switched back to amateur status?

LA: No, that's not …. Let's just leave that, everyone knows I'm here now. What else did you want to know?

MT: OK, but I'd still like to know more about how Incognito bikes compare with Treks. Perhaps we can come back to it later. Lance, with your famous pride in performance, how did you feel about being thrashed around the course by some skinny half-literate 18 year old kid?

LA: Well Mike it's a cycling challenge event not a race.

MT: Isn't it?? If it's not a race why would anyone bother entering? Why did you bother entering?

LA: The organisers asked me to. Anyway, let's move on, I'm a busy man.

MT: Yes, me too … Um Lance, this is very hilly course – I know because I rode the first 15 kilometres yesterday myself and believe me viewers those climbs are astronomically steep – and obviously weight is critical. So I'd like to take you back to your weight loss treatment in the late 1990's …

LA: My weight loss treatment???

MT: Yes, (checks notes) … I understand you had extensive treatment including chemotherapy, radiotherapy, and orchidectomy, and you lost over 10 kg, helping transform you into the superior climber you subsequently became in the Tour.

LA: Are you serious, they were treatments for my cancer!!!

MT: Oh. So how does being treated with orchids help cure cancer?

LA: What???

MT: Orchidectomy – I assume that means being treated with some extract from orchid plants. Are you a believer in naturopathy?

LA (through gritted teeth): It .. means .. removal .. of .. the .. testes, I had ….

MT: Testies?

LA: TESTICLES!!!

MT: But they don't weigh very much, wouldn't you have done better with liposuction or something? My sister-in-law …

LA: Can we just drop this topic and get back to something non-personal please? Maybe something about the Alpine Classic??!!

MT (Flustered): Right, OK. Lance - I understand Delta Goodrem accompanied you up to Bright for the long weekend. What did she think of the Classic?

LA (through gritted teeth): I … said … something … non … personal !!!!!!

MT: Yes, of course; if I can just clarify that wasn't about you Lance, it was about what Delta thought of the race - I mean challenge. I know my viewers would be very interested in her opinion …

[SUDDEN CUT TO BLACK]






[CLIP 2:]

MT (with black eye): And now viewers, a very special exclusive with the first French professional to have ridden the Alpine Classic, Alain … (checks notes) … Euroneil, that's right Alain Euroneil from the Hawthorn cycling team flew all the way from France to Bright to compete this year.

AE: Ees pronounced `awthorn, as in zee `awthorn Team, Mike. If it ees OK I can ask what ees `appening wiz your eye?

MT: Nothing, nothing, live TV, rushed schedules, make up issues, you know. Nothing to worry about. Now Alain, tell me what attracted you and your Awthorn team all the way from France to the Alpine Classic here in Bright?

AE: Well Mike I am always liking to ride on ze most beautiful parcours, and always I am 'earing how beautiful ees ze parcours of ze Alpine Classique in Bright, so I am coming and `oping to do somesing special on zis parcours for my many fans. I am sinking `ow beautiful it would be to ride a PB, zat for me would be specially beautiful `ere in Bright on zis parcours.

MT: So you ride a "Parcours" bicycle – that is a French bike I assume? How does it compare with the Italian “Incognito” machine?

AE: Non non non - eet means, um, ze route, parcours zat is meaning ze route of ze Classique. I am loving a beautiful route.

MT: Well I'd ask you more about that but after interviewing Lance I'm off personal questions. Let's get back to the ride – what do you think of the course? Tough, eh – I know because I've ridden some if it myself!

AE: Eez nice – `ow you say – course. Some climbing, some descending. Ees pity zere are not really any Alps, but is still being quite beautiful I sink.

MT: And how did the ride go for you, Alain?

AE: Well Mike, ees a little difficult, I am trying to do somesing special for my many fans, but even early in zee ride I am not `aving good sensations in my legs. And later not good sensations in – `ow you say? - ze derriere - anyway I am sinking maybe preparation was not enough especially wiz very long flight to Australie. I am also being a little bit un'appy wiz organiseurs

MT: Why is that Alain?

AE: Well at first I am loving French theme for zee ride, French food, crepes, a little wine, some camembert in ze park, you know zat ees truly a beautiful gesture to make me feel at `ome. But zen zere are appearing at start of ride very silly people in berets and jerseys with stripes talking in worse French accent than Gabriel Gate and I am sinking zis eez perhaps making fun of French people and French accent and zis ees per'aps some distraction of my focus on doing somesing beautiful for my many fans. And zen like I am saying, my sensations in legs and later derriere are not so good for me, so I am getting un'appy and not sinking so much about `ow specially beautiful it would be to win.

MT: Anything else, Alain?

AE: Also on some climbs I am seeing organisers by side of road removing riders from ze velos and spraying in ze faces wiz – ‘ow you say – zucchini spray?, and zis is very disturbing for me

MT: Zucchini spray??

AE: Mais oui, just like we are seeing your gendarmes at ze tennis on ze TV – zucchini spray!! Ees shocking!

MT: Oh, I think you mean capsicum spray, Alain. But I don’t know why the organisers would be doing that rather than leaving it to the police though. Still, little jokes and misunderstandings aside, overall everyone thinks the organisation here is world class …

AE: Per'aps, but zen at checkpoints when I am not `aving good sensations in ze stomache and I am sinking per'aps a croissant, une baguette or even un digestif might `elp, but zey are serving up English muck. "Cream rice" – sacre bleu, zat is pig food to French people. And on La Grande Bouffelo – `ow you say Mount Buffalo – it ees worse, somesing call "trifle" which only English people are eating, in France we would not feed even to pigs, so now my mental sensations are not so good and ees very difficult to do somesing beautiful for my many fans.

MT: But you still achieved a PB for the ride?

AE: Of course, ees my first time `ere so yes I guess I am achieving ze PB.

MT: Fantastic, that is just a wonderful effort, something for all of France to be proud of. Just one last question, Alain if I may

AE: But of course

MT: I can't help noticing your hairy legs. I thought all French professionals – well all European professionals really – rode with clean shaven legs?

AE: What!!! (looks down) – quel horreur, mon dieu, zut alors, croque monsieur … zees morning I am shaving like normale, ees mystery. (ponders) … I am sinking now it can only be testosterone my DS is giving me for recovery – is testosterone making `airs growing very quickly Mike?

MT: I'm not sure Alain, perhaps you'd better ask Lance about that …

[ENDS]




postscript

Alain Euroneil may have achieved a PB but sadly his distant Australian relative Allan O'Neil had to be content with an 8:57 time, due to not having good sensations in the legs – make that the entire body – most of the way up Mount Buffalo, (as well as longer time at stops in order to scoff down delicacies such as Creamed Rice and Trifle.)


Both Alain and Allan plan to return next year in the hope of doing something beautiful for their many fans.

A Straight Ride Report (?!) - Alpine Classic 2007

(Written in haste for the Eastern Veterans CC newsletter)


I happily (?) completed my first 4 or so Alpine Classic 200’s without giving a tinker’s toss about my time, just finishing the damn thing on a very limited training time budget being challenge enough. But in 2002, just after descending Buffalo, I happened to hook up with a rider who encouraged a few of us to work hard into Bright “so we can break 10 hours”, which we managed by 5 minutes or so. I completely blame that anonymous person for leading me astray into a minor obsession to beat 9 hours for the 200.

In 2003 the bushfires put that plan on hold for a year; in 2004 a combination of spending way too long at checkpoints and a deathly-slow grovel up Buffalo (basically not being fit enough) saw me do no better than in 2002; in 2005 I got close with 9:03 (which would have been well under 9 without the Dingo Dell magical mystery tour kindly added by Audax for the 2004 and 2005 editions); then in 2006 I was grimly hanging onto the schedule as far as Eurobin Falls, but with 42 degrees showing on the bike computer I decided that discretion was much the better part of stupidity and pulled out just before my brain melted.

Enter 2007 and it’s a moot point whether the apparition of Comet McNaught over Bright is an auspicious or baleful omen. Ironically, my training schedule has been limited by the time demands of writing about training for the Audax website (http://www.audax.org.au/alpine-training.htm). A short hitout up Tawonga Gap in Thursday’s mid-afternoon 33 degree heat had been a total shocker, lowering the confidence level markedly. Onto ride day and as usual I sleep only patchily before the 5am wakeup and meet my mate Steve 10 minutes late after faffing around with food, clothing, bottles and other paraphernalia.

After the standard messy ride out to Tawonga Gap we cruise steadily up the climb, almost get skittled by one of those dreaded riders who leap out of the saddle unannounced and instantly move their bike about a metre backwards and sideways in the process, and then regular as clockwork we go over the top at 7:20. Normally I descend OK but today I’m getting passed and can’t manage a clean cornering line to save myself. On the flats the aim is to lurk in a group but I end up hiding second wheel into the (unusual) cross-headwind and doing more work than I’d like. A quick splash and dash at Mt Beauty and we settle into another cruise up Falls with about equal numbers of riders falling away behind us and pulling slowly ahead. No dramas so far and we arrive at Falls a bit ahead of schedule at around 9:40.

The planned 5-8 minute stop somehow morphs into 15 before we’re ready to roll and I try to sort out my descending down the steeper bit of Falls. I decide that while a light carbon fibre frame is the ants pants for getting up the hills, my compliant old steel machine definitely felt more secure on the corners, especially after juddering scarily around a rough-as-guts left hander not far from the bridge. How can I arrange a quick bike swap for the descents in next year’s edition?

Back to Mt Beauty with no further dramas and Steve & I pull into the servo for water and a quick clothing adjustment, along with about 50 bearded Harley riders who must have just missed running over a flock of cats (at least I assume that’s the drift of their conversation about “having no pussy on the bike”). We leave them to their feline discussions and embark for Tawonga Gap.

Normally this is where it all starts going pear-shaped for me but with temperatures 15-20 degrees lower than last year we can hold a steady pace of 13-14kph and the heart rate is still under control. About halfway up the climb I notice that the guy riding off my right shoulder is on a single speed setup with what looks like a 52-21 combination. “It takes a bit of practice” he comments without leaving me any the wiser as to why you’d want to practice that particular form of self-torture. He also claims that 52-21 is much easier to pedal than a 42-17 (both 67 gear inches) and now I know he’s definitely mad. (Mate if you’re an Eastern member and reading this, I’m only kidding!).

Over the top we’ve already made up for the lost time at the Falls turnaround and I’m finally regaining the hang of descending. The hoped-for peloton of large muscle bound rouleurs fails to materialise after the drop and Steve and I can find only one strongman to work with back to Bright, so feel compelled to take our turns on the front (into the wind of course). Now the HR is sitting on 160-170 rather than the desired 130-140 and I’m thinking this is not a good tradeoff for the 3 minutes saved. But vanity prevails over sanity and we push most of the way back into town, arriving at 11:45.

Here the planned sub-10 minute stop time again blows out by about 5 minutes and then a little more as I pull up outside the accomm on the way out of Bright to quickly greet the family and get stocked up with jelly snakes and flat coke for the Buff. However this second stop works out nicely when a group of 6 comes by just as we get rolling, this time Steve and I stick resolutely to the back of the bunch and enjoy a solid tow and tailwind to the tollgate. By now 9 hours is looking in the bag unless I completely blow up on Buffalo, which probably mean it’s about a 10% chance.

But wonder of wonders the man with the hammer stays hidden in his cave or wherever he lurks and doesn’t come swinging for me this year. I may be stuck in the 25 but I’m feeling OK and holding the prescribed 13 kph quite comfortably. The irony of Buffalo in the 200 is that it’s the one hill where you urge your heart rate upwards, not downwards (which would mean fatigue and an inevitable grovel), so I’m actually pleased to be sitting above 165 most of the way to the water stop. Just up from here I do my Good Samaritan act for the day and inform a tired-looking rider that he’s set out for the top minus helmet. My reward is the continued non-appearance of the hammer-man and although an attempt to push harder on the last couple of k’s to the Gap collapses pitifully just before Devil’s Elbow, we reach the top having climbed Buff a good 15 minutes faster than previous years, and the only thing that will stop us comfortably breaking 9 hours from here is a puncture or a crash.

Neither of those inconvenience us after a quick refuel at the Chalet, and a third of the way down we (guiltily, your honour) pass the slow-moving car constituting the only obstacle to a quick drop. By now I’ve got the descending thang sorted and am really enjoying it. A string of riders appear ahead of us on the final climb after the toll gate which encourages Steve and I to crank hard up the hill and form a group of 5 or so for a final push into the headwind home. The last 10km fly by at 33-35 kph and we stop the clock at 8:35 elapsed after a very satisfactory day out in the hills.

Next year, the 140 beckons. After all, following 5 years of effort I think I deserve some sort of reward.

(Although …. - he suddenly thinks to himself - …… with a ride time of 7:52 this year it might only need a little pushing on the first three climbs plus the return of my inner short-stop Nazi, and sub-8 might be achievable?? …… no, No, NO!!! – that way lies madness ……)

The Alpine Dream - Alpine Classic 2006

I hadn't realised there was extensive TV coverage of this year's (rather warm) Alpine Classic until I went back into Bright later that evening. Wandering into the now-deserted Bright International Media Centre I came across part of a script for one of the shows featuring the Classic, blowing around the floor in the hot wind. I understand the telecast won't be repeated, so for anyone who missed it live, I have scanned the script in and posted it here:

The Alpine Dream
With Dr H G Nelson and Rampaging Roy Slaven

HG: And a big welcome back to viewers from around the world joining us in the exclusive resort setting of Bright, holiday destination of Australia’s well-heeled rich and famous, the Athens of the South. This weekend we focus once again on Australia’s Premier Festival of the Pedal, the Celebration of the Cycle, the Parade of the Pushie. It’s the Audax Alpine Classic and here with me to provide comment, colour, movement, emotion, pathos and above all gravitas, it is of course none other than the Lithgow Legend, the All-Seeing Sage of Audax – welcome back into the saddle - Rampaging Roy Slaven!

Roy: Yaaiirssss, thank you HG. It’s just great to be here in Bright again. If there’s anywhere in Australia – in fact make that anywhere in the world HG – that rivals Bright for class, refinement, gentility, sheer je ne sais quoi – then I’m certainly yet to hear of it ..

HG: … Well there is Smiggin Holes …

Roy: Of course there is. But really HG, Smiggin Holes is your winter playground and Bright is your year-round resort for the glitterati, so personally I put them in separate categories. In fact I’d like to see Bright launch a bid for the Summer Olympics to follow on from the Smiggins winter tilt. How good would that be? You’ve got all the facilities here and ready – track and field at the footy oval, gymnastics and Greco-Roman wrestling at the Wandiligong Community Hall, sailing on Lake Catani, swimming and water polo at the Porepunkah weir, and so on. It’s all ready to go – come on Jaques Rrrrrroggggue – what are you waiting for? – announce it now!

Anyway back to the business at hand, the Classic. Now, you hear people rambling on about your Tours de France, your Giros d’Italia, your Paris-Roubaix. Well, to me they don’t rate a candle, not a burnt out matchstick, to this event, the Alpine Classic. All those Euro-trash, hi-tech, shaved-leg, substance-abusing, carbon-fibre eating overpaid poncing primmadonnas of the pedal prancing up and down the Champs-Elysees in garish lycra. THAT’S NOT CYCLING! - IT’S VAUDEVILLE, A HIGH SPEED MARDI GRAS, CABARET ON WHEELS!!

(Pause)

No, give me a hairy pair of legs like gnarled old tree trunks, a sagging pair of baggy knicks, a faded woollen jersey, a dentist’s mirror stuck to the Styrofoam helmet, a proper cast-iron pushie with mudguards racks and a K-Mart dynamo generator. That’s what we want to see, that’s the spirit of Audax, that’s what this event is all about!!!

HG: You’re right there Roy. This sport does risk going the way of irrelevancies like the America’s cup, Formula 1, golf, tabletennis, beach volleyball – the human spirit overwhelmed by technology. Back to basics I say. But tell me about your early days as a wheelman – I hear you were pretty big on the Lithgow cycling scene.

Roy: Well, of course that’s for others to say HG. But I can tell you that even this Alpine Classic is a bit soft compared to what we Lithgow Wheelmen got up to. Gears and brakes for starters – never had ‘em in Lithgow …

HG: … so that would have been your track racing wouldn’t it …

Roy: … track racing, road racing, mountain climbing, your proper long distance events like Paris – Vladivostok – Paris, herding the cattle, delivering the milk. You name it, didn’t matter – same bike for the lot. None of this specialisation rubbish.

HG: And you’ve got a few ideas for this event, based on the way it was when you kicked off the whole concept back in Lithgow

Roy: Yes HG. I’d like to see it run in winter. At night. Nude.

HG: Well it would have to be in winter if the Bright Summer Olympics were on, to distinguish the franchise, wouldn’t it. But nude as well? At night? That’s increasing the degree of difficulty, that’s going to raise the bar a little isn’t it?

Roy: Shrink the bar more than a little I would have thought HG – that’s what we found on those Lithgow winter nights anyway. Still, a bit of shrinkage makes the seating issue more straightforward.

HG: I see what you mean there Roy, I think. But look, we’ll have to come back to these bold ideas a little later in the show – it’s time to get onto this year’s edition and the issue of the moment, the talk of the town, the buzz around Bright is about just one thing at the moment – the weather. It’s an inferno out there Roy, 41 degrees here in downtown Bright and God knows how hot up there on the slopes of Buffalo. How will this play out Roy, what will it mean for these riders today?

Roy: Nothing, HG.

HG: Nothing!!!

Roy: Nothing. That’s to say, it should mean nothing HG, to a true Audaxer. Complaining about the weather would be like complaining about the bike seat being only a tenth the size of your arse, or the fact that someone put a few hills in your way, or your pushie didn’t come with an engine and a chauffeur. Just get on with things and suffer in silence. What else is this event about?!

HG: I see Roy. All the same the organising committee here have published some hot weather guidelines, which I thought it would be worth running through for the viewers out there. They’re employing a highly sophisticated system developed by the Australian Association of Sports Scientists which uses something called the Wet Bulb Globe Temperature or WBGT for short. Now as near as Roy and I can make out – and we’ve studied this carefully – this involves getting under the shower in your bike helmet, running outside in the nude and standing in the sun, reciting Advance Australia Fair backwards while thinking of a number between 1 and 1000, multiplying by the square root of two, subtracting the digits of your birthday in reverse order and adding back the number you first thought of. If you can get through all that in under 28 seconds and haven’t been arrested for insanity or indecency, you’re right to go.

Now Roy and I thought that was all a bit complicated so in consultation with the Smoko Institute of Biometric Analysis we’ve come up with a more practical measure called the DWAT, which is short for Dead Wombat’s Arsehole Temperature. All you need for this one is a dead wombat lying in the sun by the side of the road – plenty of those in these parts – and a rectal thermometer …

Roy: Standard part of the Audaxer’s cycling kit HG

HG: … of course. Now you simply insert the thermometer into the appropriate part of the dead wombat – helps if it’s not squashed too flat – wait 20 seconds, and read off the result. And if your reading’s over the threshold temperature …

Roy: 57 degrees, which is technically known as the Furry Underground Creature’s Khyber Indicates No Go for Heavy Outdoor Toil – an easily remembered acronym HG

HG: … the event’s off – what could be simpler? We put it to the test a bit earlier with Fatso the Fat-Arsed Wombat and fortunately it proved conclusively there was no need to pull the pin on today’s event.

Speaking of which, we’re starting to get some pictures – sorry, I should say vision – coming through right now. What have we got here? – looks like four old blokes by the side of the road doing something with sticks. Talk us through this manoeuvre Roy …

Roy: Well obviously HG they’re about to start a fire and boil the billy, as you do halfway up Buffalo in the Classic. Forget those substance-laced "energy drinks", "power bars", "carbo gels" and the like. They’re just overpriced rubbish. A chipped enamel mug full of hot billy tea, ten spoonfuls of sugar, a touch of eucalyptus and you’re set to climb anything in sight.

But perhaps my analysis may have been a bit premature there. This bloke’s not unstrapping the billy from the packrack after all. No, it’s the blacksmith’s kit he’s gone for HG. Looks like we’re about to see some on the road Audax-style bike repairs …

HG: Cracked forks perhaps. This could be a very special moment we’re about to bring you viewers.

Roy: Watch this closely and learn, kiddies at home. You can try this out the back of Dad’s shed when you bust your new tricycle. Now, see how one of these fellas has grabbed the nearest road sign for a bit of reinforcing rod? Superb work. I love a good bit of improvisation HG.

HG: Sheer poetry, Roy. Can’t do that with carbon fibre! But while that’s going on we’re cross-cutting to some on-road action featuring a few of the favoured riders. Who are these old blokes in the red and yellow jerseys?

Roy: Looks like it says "Eastern Veterans" there on their kit, HG. German colours, obviously, so these would be your returned soldiers from the Russian Front who’ve taken up long distance riding in later life. Good on ‘em I say. Great gesture of international reconciliation to see them making the long journey down under to participate alongside our boys from the Yackandandah RSL Cycling Auxiliary.

HG: And now here are some of the younger lads, mere pups in Audax terms. Some more than slightly carbon-fibre-eurotrash looks here I’m afraid though. Take this bloke with the white earphones in … what’s this, getting real time strategy from his Directeur Sportif? Not on I say. Look up his number Roy so we can report him to the event director …

Roy: Let’s see, HG: "Gasparini". "Angelo don Gasparini" of the "bicigaga" team. How do these people get let in to start with? Italian, obviously. Pure eurotrash, as you just said. Could be mafia as well.

HG: Let’s see who else we’ve got here on this rogue "bicigaga" team Roy: "Marqués".

Roy: Spanish eurotrash

HG: Carbon fibre frame, garish lycra, the lot. Still, looks like he’s recording a good time, Roy – 7 hours 45 minutes.

Roy: Of course he is, but so would you HG on that sort of gear – and I’m not talking about his bike.

HG: Also on the team we have Christiansen …

Roy: Danish Eurotrash! Save us HG. Probably a bodywaxed adult film actor off the bike to boot …

HG: Could be right Roy, but it actually says here he’s pulled out at the last minute. Who else have we got – let’s see - van der Valk …

Roy: … stop it, HG, you’re making me puke … Where are the locals? What’s happening to Australian cycling? Aren’t our own lads good enough any more??

HG: Here’s one onscreen now: O’Neil. But Christ Almighty, look at the kit and the bike!

Roy: Italian! Carbon fibre!! EUROTRASH WANNABEE WANKER !!!! And I know this bloke too – only last year a cast iron bike and a simple aussie club kit were good enough for him. But no, just ‘cos he misses some self-imposed, arbitrary, meaningless, who-gives-a-stuff, that’s-not-the-point-of –Audax nine hour time target by three irrelevant minutes, suddenly that’s all out the window and he’s jumped onto the technology bandwagon. If I was running the event …

HG: … as you should be, Roy …

Roy: … as I should be HG, then this bloke and all his type would be out on their waxed arses.

HG: But hang on Roy, this O’Neil character’s pulled over to the side of the road and hopped off his fancy bike just above Eurobin Falls …

Roy: You sure that wasn’t Eurotrash Falls HG?

HG: Well it would be appropriate in the circumstances Roy. And look! - now he’s turned around and headed back to Bright – looks like a clearcut case of cheating here Roy

Roy: Anything to get under 9 hours. I don’t know what this event’s coming to …

HG: And now we’re getting reports of large numbers of riders stopping at Bright and refusing to continue up Buffalo – including at least half that "bicigaga" mob and more than a few Eastern Veterans

Roy: I predicted this HG.

HG: But I thought you said the weather wouldn’t be a factor Roy?

Roy: No HG, nothing to do with the weather. My sources tell me this is a planned protest against Dingo Dell being dropped from the route this year and replaced by a turnaround point at some clapped out overblown faux-European Chalet full of out of work off season eurotrash ski-instructors. And I support this protest HG! What could be more Australian than Dingo Dell? A Chalet is just soft!! In fact I’d have moved the checkpoint to the top of the Horn and made the riders climb the summit carrying their bikes. That would be a proper challenge. These Audax organisers have just lost the plot …..

Not an Alpine Classic Report - 2004 De Bortoli Tour

De Bortoli Tour 17-18 July, D Grade.

My first real road racing experience of any kind, apart from a handful of crits with Eastern Vets; picked a tough one. Thanks to Craig for regular provision of reassurance prior to / during the event.

Stage 1 Sat am. 72km from Yarra Glen including 1 major climb (Toolangi via Chum Creek Rd) and 2 laps of the aptly named “Death Valley”. Weather: cold with gusty, biting southerly wind. 50-odd starters

Stayed with bunch to the foot of the long climb, including getting suckered into a short stint on the front chasing down an early escape. “Reverse attacked” the leading group of 20-odd in the 1st km of the main climb (~9km @ 4%) as the HR soared well into the red. Climbed tempo from there, passing a few later reverse attackers. Fairly slow descent into a strong headwind which meant pedalling all the way down. Picked up late in the descent by 5 big guys who’d eat me for breakfast in a crit. Rolled turns with them for about 10km to Death Valley (Old Healesville Rd). Grovelled up a horrible berg (1km @ 9+%) to the KOM where they weren’t awarding points for 20th D-grader over the top. Rolled a few more turns with the breakfast-eaters before encountering another horrible berg. Hit by buffeting cross / headwinds over top of said berg, causing further reverse attack. Waved farewell to the breakfast-eaters and gritted teeth back into Yarra Glen, to start second shorter lap of Death Valley. Breakfast-eaters still visible about 1km ahead. Said hi to Virginia as I passed her just out of Yarra Glen, then about 1km later got walloped by “l’homme a marteau” (man with the hammer = frogspeak for hunger flat) together with more horrible cross / headwinds. Horrible carbo gel packs having no obvious impact except for making gloves and jersey very sticky. Crawled another 8km to start of Death Valley being passed by no-one which would have amazed me if I had felt alive enough to be amazed. Homme a marteau obviously travailling overtime. By now would have happily tried any pills, syringes etc hastily discarded by Aussie Olympic team hopefuls along side of road. Wondered if I’d be able to walk up horrible KOM berg, riding all the way seemed clearly out of the question, but spirits lifted by sight of dropped A/B graders crawling past on the climb not much faster than my 8 kph. Last gel and or serious endorphins must have kicked in at this point since final horrible berg and winds didn’t seem as bad as feared and no- one else in D-grade passed. Still, lost 10 mins to breakfast-eaters in last 22km lap giving them time for lunch and the leaders a start on dinner before my arrival at Yarra Glen.

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Stage 2 Sat pm. 18km ITT Steels Creek, gently rolling road, f(*&ing gusty wind

Start. Hurt, hurt, hurt, hurt, hurt, …. - get the general idea?. Finish

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Stage 3 Sun am. 84km from Healesville including 2 loops over Pantons Gap (~ 8km @ 5%) – or so I thought.

Horrified to learn from Craig on arrival that course involved 3 loops over the climb. Total of nearly 2000m climbing when other lumps added in. Clearly plenty of other D-Graders had realised this already, because they hadn’t turned up. About 35 starters.

Ecstatic to hear organisers announce at start line that D grade course reduced to 56km / 2 loops. Funny how getting back what you thought you always had can make you wildly happy. Must remember to try this with the kids sometime.

Stayed with bunch to the foot of the 1st long climb, cleverly avoided getting suckered into any stints on the front chasing down escapes. “Reverse attacked” the leading group of 20-odd in the 1st km of the main climb (sound familiar? – sure felt it). Plugged away at the climb which ends with ~3km of dirt road, joined by Craig halfway up. Minor chaos near top where a B grader climbing on the wrong side of the road had earlier headbutted a (hopefully) slowly descending car. Climb finishes with one of those beautiful, gently easing gradients where for a km or so you get to put it in the big ring and feel like a superstar (if there’s no one around to pass you). Bombed – well, maybe grenaded – the descent towards Healesville led by Craig and worked turns with him all the way round to foot of main climb again. “I’m stuffed” he duly announced – “No, I’m the one who’s stuffed, I thought you were going well” – “I thought you were, I was just hanging on” etc etc etc. Saved breath, gritted teeth and suffered up second climb – three laps would have been impossible, let alone A grade’s four. Again joined by Craig halfway up after rudely dropping him earlier. Actually passed someone!!!! More big ring superstar stuff over the top and another fast descent with Craig leading until a Healesville local named Cheryl (according to her rego plate) pulled out from driveway as we approached 100m away at 60+ kph. Fortunately laws of physics still on our side and we followed Cheryl as she meandered slowly down the road (hard to drive properly in moccasins?). Rolled over finish line with Craig and felt hugely satisfied to have survived a pretty intense introduction to open stage racing.

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Vital statistics: finished midway in the field (including the DNSs and DNFs) thirty-something mins down on winner. Average HR for every stage ~170. Ouch!

Clarke & Dawe - Alpine Classic 2004

I had grandiose ambitions of riding the 2004 Alpine Classic in a time somewhere between 81/2 and 9 hours elapsed. History records that I didn't quite meet that target, although mysteriously I can remember very little about the day itself. However on returning to Melbourne and unpacking my reeking bag of fermented sweaty cycling gear, I came across the transcript of a John Clarke / Brian Dawe interview that shows how I could have redefined "failure" as total success:








BD: So tell me how you enjoyed this year's Alpine Classic, John

JC: Great descents, Brian, always love those descents on the Alpine. I did better than ever on the descents this year. Took some of those corners just beautifully ...

BD: But it's not really about the descents is it. Isn't the whole point of the thing to do well on the climbs?

JC: Well that just shows you've got the wrong end of the stick as usual Brian. You should get out of your ivory tower and talk to some real cyclists. That climbing stuff is just a distraction. The sooner they organise lifts like the skiers have, the better. That's the way to really popularise the ride I reckon, especially in this hot weather. Difficult to descend well with all that sweat running into your eyes ...

BD: All the same, tell us how you went on the climbs

JC: Can't say I noticed mate, I was just thinking about the next descent. They're all so different you see: a bomb run down the back of Tawonga, sweeping curves on Falls, fast and twisty over Tawonga again, a bit of everything on Buffalo. Too much to think about there to worry about the bloody climbs

BD: But I did hear that you were putting in some training on climbs this year, Arthur's seat repeats, Donna Buang, ...

JC: Rumour and innuendo; never train for the climbs, doesn't help your descending one bit mate - a bloke might lose weight and slow down on the descents

BD: And you were publicly quoted as stating that you were going for sub-9 hours this year ...

JC: ... which I achieved very comfortably thank you very much ...

BD: ... but I have the certificate here in front of me saying 9 hours 52 minutes!

JC: ... another Audax stuff-up. Look here at this monitor: "Riding Time 8:53". Is that under 9 hours or is it under 9 hours? Almost as bad as them getting lost on Buffalo and taking the wrong road for the Chalet. Did you know the idiots confused Dingo Dell and the Chalet!! Anyone could have told 'em what a chalet looks like and it's not some bloody carpark out the back of nowhere near a forlorn looking ski lift. Added on at least 15 minutes! They couldn't organise themselves out of a paper bag. Fortunately as you see I still broke 9 hours.

BD: But that's riding time. Alpine Classic times are always elapsed times ...

JC: Yes, elapsed riding time, 8 hours 53. Are you deaf or just stupid?

BD: No, elapsed time is the total time from start to finish and it says here that you started at 6:20am and finished at 4:12pm which is 9 hours 52 minutes

JC: Geez you're a bit obsessed by this time business aren't you? Do you work in the public service or something? The idea's to have fun mate, especially on the descents. Did I tell you about those descents? They're ...

BD: I'm sorry John we'll have to leave it there