Alpine Classic 2009

This year's AAC report has gone multimedia, about 10 years behind the rest of the world.

I imagine that somewhere inside every Alpine Classic rider who sets him/herself a specific time objective is a taskmaster who (in some cases only) might behave a bit like this ...








Most of you have probably seen a lot more versions of the clip used for that report than I had (10 years behind the times again). Its subject certainly had, and was not entirely happy about things ....





OK, OK I know that's enough. No more.

Castlemaine Ride Report

Castlemaine's not a bad spot for riding either.

Headed up there for a family weekend, but the fortunately the definition of "family members" nowadays extends to the bike.

Out early on Sunday morning for a 75km loop through Maldon, Baringhup, Moolort, and Newstead.  Mt Tarrengower in Maldon is a b#&^$ of a climb, 1.9km at 10%+.  Felt like throwing up after the 15% bit near the top.  It must be a few years since the Sun Tour came through here if the "Go Stevo"s and "Pedro Delgado"s painted on the road are any indication.

Don't worry if you've never heard of Moolort, nobody else on earth has either.  This would be a mind-f(*& of a stretch into a southerly headwind, about 20km of dead straight dead flat road through absolutely nowhere, no wonder Raimond Gaita's dad Romulus went bonkers living out here.  But it does have a certain stark beauty.

Refuelled at Newstead General Store amongst a few seven foot six country lads hoeing into meat pies which seemed to be the hangover cure of choice.  Thank god I'm an honorary Dave and don't shave my legs, I felt effete enough dressed in orange lycra sipping on a chocolate milk (the hunger flat preventative of choice).

Back to Castlemaine in time to check out the field for the "NAB Champions" crit unexpectedly (to me) being run in the centre of town.  I'm sure the family thought this was all a plot but I swear I knew nothing about it `til we arrived.  "Maybe I'll stay in the HCC gear and have a crack at the Masters event" I thought.  Sidled up to the desk and glanced at the entry sheet; all ages in together and out of the 15 starters even a nuff-nuff like me recognised names like Sean Finning (Comm Games track gold and Melb-Warrnambool winner) and Tim Dekker (another Melb-`bool winner).  First prize of $500 down to $50 for fourth, surprising there weren't a few more entries.

Definitely safer and less embarrassing on the spectators side of the fence – I'd be dropped before the first corner of the 600m hotdog circuit, so I positioned myself and the kids near one end of the course and confidently predicted there would be at least one crash in the first 5 laps on the horribly off-camber 180 degree turn.  As it was there were about 3 crashes, and a couple of others at the far end as well.  After going down in lap one and then narrowly avoiding the fifth crash, Finning decided to clear out from the carnage, quickly opened a 100m gap, then spent the next 40 minutes on a solo pursuit reeling in the back of the half-dozen riders remaining in the race.  Additional interest was added by random pedestrians sporadically deciding to cross the course oblivious to the rapid approach of the bunch.  Finning made the catch with about 5 minutes to go,  I guess $500 for less than an hour's work (or training) is nice if you can get it.

Rounded off the day's cycling by hopping on CycleSport's TACX simulator and setting second best time of the day for the virtual 1.5km timetrial!!  I think the next oldest contestant up to that point was about 14 years old, but wtf I'll take any placing I can get.

Mike's Magic Moments : Alpine Classic 2008

I tried setting the video recorder to catch some cycling shows while I was up at Bright, but as usual got the programming wrong and recorded parts of an SBS late night movie. The following came up during one of the ad breaks .....


[Usual impossibly smarmy SBS voiceover:]

Smear chamois cream on your jocks before a big day in the office? Scoff carbo gels and Power Bars for morning tea? Can't wait for the day you can buy a full carbon fibre lounge suite? In other words, are you the sort of cycling fan who just can't get enough cycling stuff of any description, any time, any day of the week?

Then "Mike's Magic Moments" is the DVD collection you simply have to have. Specially released by SBS Cycling Productions, this lavish 78 DVD set features the best interviews, commentary, analysis, insight, and pungent no-holds-barred opinion from Australia's most respected cycling commentator, Mike Tumbleonarse, over the full length and breadth of his stellar career. No serious cyclist or cycling fan's collection can be considered complete without Mike's Magic Moments, yours for a special introductory price of only $2.50, that's right only two dollars fifty for 78 DVDs!! And at that price you'll also never need to buy drink coasters again.

As a small taste of what you'll get, here are two short clips from one of Mike's personal favourites in the Collection, DVD number 63, "Mike Lights Up Bright" featuring Mike's interviews with a couple of the big stars at the 2008 Alpine Classic. Slip on your lycra, tighten your helmet, sit back and enjoy the experience:





[Clip 1:]

Mike Tumbleonarse: And one of the biggest secrets at this year's Classic, which I can now reveal for the first time here on SBS Cycling Productions via this exclusive personal live interview, is that Lance Armstrong, seven time Tour de France champion, was part of the peloton at this year's event. Lance, welcome to Australia, welcome to Bright, and welcome to my show. I guess this is a very exciting moment for you?

Lance Armstrong: What, being on your show?

MT: Obviously, but also being in Australia. How do you like being here so far? Does it make you sorry you didn't also concentrate on the Tour Down Under as well as the Tour De France?

LA: Not really.

MT: Great. I love a rider with a sense of humour. Now Lance, since this will be big news around the cycling world, perhaps you can explain why you've switched bike sponsors now that your career's finished? Were you secretly unhappy with the Trek Mad 1 you used to ride in the Tour? I have to say, I wouldn't be too happy riding something called a "Mad 1" myself.

LA: I haven't switched bikes. I still ride my Trek Madone. I'm very happy with it.

MT: But Lance I had exclusive inside information from the Audax organisers that this year you'd be riding an Italian bike, an .. (checks notes) .. an "Incognito"??

LA: I was riding incognito – that doesn't mean my bike, it just means I wasn't advertising my presence on the ride.

MT: So you're not allowed to advertise now that your professional career is over? You've switched back to amateur status?

LA: No, that's not …. Let's just leave that, everyone knows I'm here now. What else did you want to know?

MT: OK, but I'd still like to know more about how Incognito bikes compare with Treks. Perhaps we can come back to it later. Lance, with your famous pride in performance, how did you feel about being thrashed around the course by some skinny half-literate 18 year old kid?

LA: Well Mike it's a cycling challenge event not a race.

MT: Isn't it?? If it's not a race why would anyone bother entering? Why did you bother entering?

LA: The organisers asked me to. Anyway, let's move on, I'm a busy man.

MT: Yes, me too … Um Lance, this is very hilly course – I know because I rode the first 15 kilometres yesterday myself and believe me viewers those climbs are astronomically steep – and obviously weight is critical. So I'd like to take you back to your weight loss treatment in the late 1990's …

LA: My weight loss treatment???

MT: Yes, (checks notes) … I understand you had extensive treatment including chemotherapy, radiotherapy, and orchidectomy, and you lost over 10 kg, helping transform you into the superior climber you subsequently became in the Tour.

LA: Are you serious, they were treatments for my cancer!!!

MT: Oh. So how does being treated with orchids help cure cancer?

LA: What???

MT: Orchidectomy – I assume that means being treated with some extract from orchid plants. Are you a believer in naturopathy?

LA (through gritted teeth): It .. means .. removal .. of .. the .. testes, I had ….

MT: Testies?

LA: TESTICLES!!!

MT: But they don't weigh very much, wouldn't you have done better with liposuction or something? My sister-in-law …

LA: Can we just drop this topic and get back to something non-personal please? Maybe something about the Alpine Classic??!!

MT (Flustered): Right, OK. Lance - I understand Delta Goodrem accompanied you up to Bright for the long weekend. What did she think of the Classic?

LA (through gritted teeth): I … said … something … non … personal !!!!!!

MT: Yes, of course; if I can just clarify that wasn't about you Lance, it was about what Delta thought of the race - I mean challenge. I know my viewers would be very interested in her opinion …

[SUDDEN CUT TO BLACK]






[CLIP 2:]

MT (with black eye): And now viewers, a very special exclusive with the first French professional to have ridden the Alpine Classic, Alain … (checks notes) … Euroneil, that's right Alain Euroneil from the Hawthorn cycling team flew all the way from France to Bright to compete this year.

AE: Ees pronounced `awthorn, as in zee `awthorn Team, Mike. If it ees OK I can ask what ees `appening wiz your eye?

MT: Nothing, nothing, live TV, rushed schedules, make up issues, you know. Nothing to worry about. Now Alain, tell me what attracted you and your Awthorn team all the way from France to the Alpine Classic here in Bright?

AE: Well Mike I am always liking to ride on ze most beautiful parcours, and always I am 'earing how beautiful ees ze parcours of ze Alpine Classique in Bright, so I am coming and `oping to do somesing special on zis parcours for my many fans. I am sinking `ow beautiful it would be to ride a PB, zat for me would be specially beautiful `ere in Bright on zis parcours.

MT: So you ride a "Parcours" bicycle – that is a French bike I assume? How does it compare with the Italian “Incognito” machine?

AE: Non non non - eet means, um, ze route, parcours zat is meaning ze route of ze Classique. I am loving a beautiful route.

MT: Well I'd ask you more about that but after interviewing Lance I'm off personal questions. Let's get back to the ride – what do you think of the course? Tough, eh – I know because I've ridden some if it myself!

AE: Eez nice – `ow you say – course. Some climbing, some descending. Ees pity zere are not really any Alps, but is still being quite beautiful I sink.

MT: And how did the ride go for you, Alain?

AE: Well Mike, ees a little difficult, I am trying to do somesing special for my many fans, but even early in zee ride I am not `aving good sensations in my legs. And later not good sensations in – `ow you say? - ze derriere - anyway I am sinking maybe preparation was not enough especially wiz very long flight to Australie. I am also being a little bit un'appy wiz organiseurs

MT: Why is that Alain?

AE: Well at first I am loving French theme for zee ride, French food, crepes, a little wine, some camembert in ze park, you know zat ees truly a beautiful gesture to make me feel at `ome. But zen zere are appearing at start of ride very silly people in berets and jerseys with stripes talking in worse French accent than Gabriel Gate and I am sinking zis eez perhaps making fun of French people and French accent and zis ees per'aps some distraction of my focus on doing somesing beautiful for my many fans. And zen like I am saying, my sensations in legs and later derriere are not so good for me, so I am getting un'appy and not sinking so much about `ow specially beautiful it would be to win.

MT: Anything else, Alain?

AE: Also on some climbs I am seeing organisers by side of road removing riders from ze velos and spraying in ze faces wiz – ‘ow you say – zucchini spray?, and zis is very disturbing for me

MT: Zucchini spray??

AE: Mais oui, just like we are seeing your gendarmes at ze tennis on ze TV – zucchini spray!! Ees shocking!

MT: Oh, I think you mean capsicum spray, Alain. But I don’t know why the organisers would be doing that rather than leaving it to the police though. Still, little jokes and misunderstandings aside, overall everyone thinks the organisation here is world class …

AE: Per'aps, but zen at checkpoints when I am not `aving good sensations in ze stomache and I am sinking per'aps a croissant, une baguette or even un digestif might `elp, but zey are serving up English muck. "Cream rice" – sacre bleu, zat is pig food to French people. And on La Grande Bouffelo – `ow you say Mount Buffalo – it ees worse, somesing call "trifle" which only English people are eating, in France we would not feed even to pigs, so now my mental sensations are not so good and ees very difficult to do somesing beautiful for my many fans.

MT: But you still achieved a PB for the ride?

AE: Of course, ees my first time `ere so yes I guess I am achieving ze PB.

MT: Fantastic, that is just a wonderful effort, something for all of France to be proud of. Just one last question, Alain if I may

AE: But of course

MT: I can't help noticing your hairy legs. I thought all French professionals – well all European professionals really – rode with clean shaven legs?

AE: What!!! (looks down) – quel horreur, mon dieu, zut alors, croque monsieur … zees morning I am shaving like normale, ees mystery. (ponders) … I am sinking now it can only be testosterone my DS is giving me for recovery – is testosterone making `airs growing very quickly Mike?

MT: I'm not sure Alain, perhaps you'd better ask Lance about that …

[ENDS]




postscript

Alain Euroneil may have achieved a PB but sadly his distant Australian relative Allan O'Neil had to be content with an 8:57 time, due to not having good sensations in the legs – make that the entire body – most of the way up Mount Buffalo, (as well as longer time at stops in order to scoff down delicacies such as Creamed Rice and Trifle.)


Both Alain and Allan plan to return next year in the hope of doing something beautiful for their many fans.

A Straight Ride Report (?!) - Alpine Classic 2007

(Written in haste for the Eastern Veterans CC newsletter)


I happily (?) completed my first 4 or so Alpine Classic 200’s without giving a tinker’s toss about my time, just finishing the damn thing on a very limited training time budget being challenge enough. But in 2002, just after descending Buffalo, I happened to hook up with a rider who encouraged a few of us to work hard into Bright “so we can break 10 hours”, which we managed by 5 minutes or so. I completely blame that anonymous person for leading me astray into a minor obsession to beat 9 hours for the 200.

In 2003 the bushfires put that plan on hold for a year; in 2004 a combination of spending way too long at checkpoints and a deathly-slow grovel up Buffalo (basically not being fit enough) saw me do no better than in 2002; in 2005 I got close with 9:03 (which would have been well under 9 without the Dingo Dell magical mystery tour kindly added by Audax for the 2004 and 2005 editions); then in 2006 I was grimly hanging onto the schedule as far as Eurobin Falls, but with 42 degrees showing on the bike computer I decided that discretion was much the better part of stupidity and pulled out just before my brain melted.

Enter 2007 and it’s a moot point whether the apparition of Comet McNaught over Bright is an auspicious or baleful omen. Ironically, my training schedule has been limited by the time demands of writing about training for the Audax website (http://www.audax.org.au/alpine-training.htm). A short hitout up Tawonga Gap in Thursday’s mid-afternoon 33 degree heat had been a total shocker, lowering the confidence level markedly. Onto ride day and as usual I sleep only patchily before the 5am wakeup and meet my mate Steve 10 minutes late after faffing around with food, clothing, bottles and other paraphernalia.

After the standard messy ride out to Tawonga Gap we cruise steadily up the climb, almost get skittled by one of those dreaded riders who leap out of the saddle unannounced and instantly move their bike about a metre backwards and sideways in the process, and then regular as clockwork we go over the top at 7:20. Normally I descend OK but today I’m getting passed and can’t manage a clean cornering line to save myself. On the flats the aim is to lurk in a group but I end up hiding second wheel into the (unusual) cross-headwind and doing more work than I’d like. A quick splash and dash at Mt Beauty and we settle into another cruise up Falls with about equal numbers of riders falling away behind us and pulling slowly ahead. No dramas so far and we arrive at Falls a bit ahead of schedule at around 9:40.

The planned 5-8 minute stop somehow morphs into 15 before we’re ready to roll and I try to sort out my descending down the steeper bit of Falls. I decide that while a light carbon fibre frame is the ants pants for getting up the hills, my compliant old steel machine definitely felt more secure on the corners, especially after juddering scarily around a rough-as-guts left hander not far from the bridge. How can I arrange a quick bike swap for the descents in next year’s edition?

Back to Mt Beauty with no further dramas and Steve & I pull into the servo for water and a quick clothing adjustment, along with about 50 bearded Harley riders who must have just missed running over a flock of cats (at least I assume that’s the drift of their conversation about “having no pussy on the bike”). We leave them to their feline discussions and embark for Tawonga Gap.

Normally this is where it all starts going pear-shaped for me but with temperatures 15-20 degrees lower than last year we can hold a steady pace of 13-14kph and the heart rate is still under control. About halfway up the climb I notice that the guy riding off my right shoulder is on a single speed setup with what looks like a 52-21 combination. “It takes a bit of practice” he comments without leaving me any the wiser as to why you’d want to practice that particular form of self-torture. He also claims that 52-21 is much easier to pedal than a 42-17 (both 67 gear inches) and now I know he’s definitely mad. (Mate if you’re an Eastern member and reading this, I’m only kidding!).

Over the top we’ve already made up for the lost time at the Falls turnaround and I’m finally regaining the hang of descending. The hoped-for peloton of large muscle bound rouleurs fails to materialise after the drop and Steve and I can find only one strongman to work with back to Bright, so feel compelled to take our turns on the front (into the wind of course). Now the HR is sitting on 160-170 rather than the desired 130-140 and I’m thinking this is not a good tradeoff for the 3 minutes saved. But vanity prevails over sanity and we push most of the way back into town, arriving at 11:45.

Here the planned sub-10 minute stop time again blows out by about 5 minutes and then a little more as I pull up outside the accomm on the way out of Bright to quickly greet the family and get stocked up with jelly snakes and flat coke for the Buff. However this second stop works out nicely when a group of 6 comes by just as we get rolling, this time Steve and I stick resolutely to the back of the bunch and enjoy a solid tow and tailwind to the tollgate. By now 9 hours is looking in the bag unless I completely blow up on Buffalo, which probably mean it’s about a 10% chance.

But wonder of wonders the man with the hammer stays hidden in his cave or wherever he lurks and doesn’t come swinging for me this year. I may be stuck in the 25 but I’m feeling OK and holding the prescribed 13 kph quite comfortably. The irony of Buffalo in the 200 is that it’s the one hill where you urge your heart rate upwards, not downwards (which would mean fatigue and an inevitable grovel), so I’m actually pleased to be sitting above 165 most of the way to the water stop. Just up from here I do my Good Samaritan act for the day and inform a tired-looking rider that he’s set out for the top minus helmet. My reward is the continued non-appearance of the hammer-man and although an attempt to push harder on the last couple of k’s to the Gap collapses pitifully just before Devil’s Elbow, we reach the top having climbed Buff a good 15 minutes faster than previous years, and the only thing that will stop us comfortably breaking 9 hours from here is a puncture or a crash.

Neither of those inconvenience us after a quick refuel at the Chalet, and a third of the way down we (guiltily, your honour) pass the slow-moving car constituting the only obstacle to a quick drop. By now I’ve got the descending thang sorted and am really enjoying it. A string of riders appear ahead of us on the final climb after the toll gate which encourages Steve and I to crank hard up the hill and form a group of 5 or so for a final push into the headwind home. The last 10km fly by at 33-35 kph and we stop the clock at 8:35 elapsed after a very satisfactory day out in the hills.

Next year, the 140 beckons. After all, following 5 years of effort I think I deserve some sort of reward.

(Although …. - he suddenly thinks to himself - …… with a ride time of 7:52 this year it might only need a little pushing on the first three climbs plus the return of my inner short-stop Nazi, and sub-8 might be achievable?? …… no, No, NO!!! – that way lies madness ……)

AAC Training Final Part - How Not to Ride Your First AAC 200

I began this series with the throwaway line that in pre-world wide web nirvana, a blog used to be "some unspeakable mess you carefully avoided on the footpath".

Rereading the nonsense that I've since contributed to this little cul-de-sac of cyberspace, I'm not sure that the original definition doesn't still stand.

Certainly anyone hoping to glean worthwhile training tips for their 2007 Alpine Classic tilt would have been sadly disappointed by their visit to this page. But it's never too late to get things back on course, and here's a red hot training tip from someone who knows all too well:

If you haven't started training yet - don't bother, it's too late!

So because it's too late for any further training advice, I thought I'd bring this series to a mercifully quick end with some on-the-day do's and don'ts, particularly slanted at those of you about to embark on the big adventure of their first ever AAC 200km. A lot - in fact all - of these pearls of wisdom are gleaned from the harsh personal experience of my own initiation into this fold more than a decade ago, or at least the little I can remember of it:

• Don't drive up the Hume late the night before with a grizzling baby in the back seat in the middle of humungous thundery downpour with nearly-bald front tyres on the car. You'll have enough near-death experiences on the ride itself.



• Don't assume that said grizzling baby will sleep peacefully through the night (or in fact sleep at all)



• Don't put your bidons containing specially prepared isotonic carbohydrate replacement sport drink in the fridge the night before assuming you'll remember to retrieve them in the morning (especially after a sleepless night)



• Do remember to retrieve the bidons in the morning



• When you get to the base of Tawonga Gap and realise you have no bidons on your bike, don't ride on for another 2km wondering whether or not to go back for them



• If you do go back for them, adding a mere 25km to your ride, don't then try to catch the 6:20 bunch you started with before the top of Tawonga Gap



• If you do try to catch the 6:20 bunch, don't expect to be successful, and do expect to do yourself some serious damage in the process



• Don't assume that it never rains during the Alpine Classic



• When it starts pouring with rain halfway up the Falls Creek climb, don't ride on getting soaked to the skin because you can't be bothered stopping to put on your spray jacket (assuming you were smart enough to pack such an unlikely item in the first place)



• If you do ride on getting soaked, don't expect to arrive at Falls Creek without the beginnings of a case of hypothermia



• Especially after all of the above, do expect to arrive at Falls Creek feeling like death and wondering how on earth you are possibly going to make it back to Bright (to then pull out of the ride of course).



• Don't assume that wild vibrations in your bike as you start descending from Falls Creek are due to a wheel about to come off your bike (although it might be a reasonable idea to stop and rule this possibility out). They are more likely related to uncontrollable shivering caused by that oncoming case of hypothermia.



• Don't necessarily assume that the miraculous fact that you manage to stay upright on the descent and more miraculously get back over Tawonga Gap means that your body has suddenly come good, and rescind your previous resolution to pull out at Bright. It's probably just adrenalin-related delirium.



• If you are sufficiently delirious / stupid after all the above to decide to push on to Buffalo, don't spend an hour sitting at the Bright control before continuing.



• If you do spend an hour sitting at the Bright control, don't expect to feel any better for it. Your body will just thankfully assume that the pain is over and go into shutdown mode.



• Don't be surprised that it is possible to climb Buffalo at less than 9km/hr



• Don't assume that the weather cannot get any worse than the heavy rain and fog you experienced as you grovel up Buffalo at 9 km/hr



• Don't start the descent from Buffalo in cold driving rain, gusty wind and bursts of hail as a cold change comes through



• If you do start the descent from Buffalo in those conditions, don't bother trying the Tour de France trick of shoving a newspaper up your jersey. The newspaper just gets very soggy and cold (and they only do it in the Tour de France for the television cameras anyway.)



• Do stop on the descent from Buffalo when your hands are so frozen that you can no longer tell whether they're on the brake levers or not



• On second thoughts, do stop on the descent from Buffalo before your hands are so frozen ..



• If after all the above you somehow make it back to Bright before the organisers have packed up and gone home, don't assume that no future edition of the Alpine Classic you are crazy enough to enter could seem so hard as this first one. The fact is they nearly all do, just in different ways.

Anyway, whether 2007 is your first, tenth, or two hundredth time at the Classic, I'm sure you'll have a memorable day. Good luck and I'll catch you on the road sometime.

AAC Training Part 6 - A Date with Donna

Imagine you're a fine upstanding citizen of a small but respectable hamlet with a proud history set in an idyllic sylvan location. Far enough from the big smoke to avoid most of the hustle bustle and generally more venal aspects of city living. A place where you can breathe clean air, drink pure forest-filtered water and just relax, enjoy nature, and contemplate the benefits of simpler slower lifestyle.

Then imagine that a statuesque madam reputedly endowed with "ample contours" and "thrilling curves" sets up shop outside town - just down the road from the Hospital if you don't mind! - and starts attracting all manner of suspect "visitors" intent on conquest. Which intention this shameless siren is apparently all too willing to accommodate, judging by the flushed glows on the sweaty faces of these uninvited interlopers as they gather afterwards in search of post-conquest refreshment, filling previously quiet and reputable establishments with unsavoury raucous groups, brazenly sharing and comparing every last detail of their liaisons, heedless of who might overhear them. Blatantly egging one another on to depart post-haste for a second "back-to-back" conquest, leaving disturbed and puzzled townsfolk shaking their heads at the mental picture of various unnatural activities that must be taking place on the outskirts of their village.

If you can imagine all that, then you have a pretty good idea of how the good burghers of Warburton might feel around this time of year, when every second Alpine Classic cyclist you meet seems to be just returned from or just departing for their annual "Date with Donna".

Yes, if Marilyn Monroe was "that kind of woman", then Donna Buang is "that kind of mountain". Which is not to say that she's easy, though she draws admirers like moths to a candle. Even perfect model citizens like yours truly find themselves futilely fighting the urge of her call at this time of year. (But beware her cold shoulder - more than one hopeful has been thoroughly frozen out by Donna after a badly timed attempt.)

Now, before Phil and his editorial committee start getting concerned about where this episode of the AAC Training Blog might be leading to and what NetNanny rating it may require, let me change tack and put all the above nonsense down to some as-yet unexplained hold that Donna Buang seems to exert on the imagination of cyclists with literary pretensions.

The more practical riders out there can tell you all about the excellence of Donna Buang's gradients and total vertical metres of ascent as training for the trials of the Alpine Classic, and the perfection of her descents for honing those essential high speed cornering skills. One or more "Double Donnas" has to be regarded as just about essential to any serious AAC Training Programme. (Yes coach, I promise I'll do mine soon)

But what I really wanted to highlight here, via a couple of examples from the cycling canon, was Donna Buang's unusual ability to inspire variety in a written medium - the email group ride report - that generally bears the same distant approximation to literature as a Kylie Minogue CD does to music (and embodies about as much variety to boot.)

In a vain attempt to protect myself from (quite justifiable) charges of flagrant plagiarism, I will suppress real names from the following excerpts - even though I did write one of them myself. The few of you out there reading this know who you are anyway!

Religious Epiphany

Sunday 7.30am, the 12th day of Christmas and a bright star shines above the small town of Warburton guiding worshippers wearing lycra and riding carbon/titanium/aluminium camels, coming to pay homage to their (hill climbing) mecca, Donna Bethlehem (Buang). In Biblical-gaga scriptures it has many other names: DB, Donna, Le Alpe de Buang, The Don and the road to the summit is called a few names as well, mostly four-lettered.

A congregation of riders meet for quick warm up round suburban Warburton then it's to the climb. Saints or sinners, it is our day of reckoning. I pray, set the cycle computer at the 60km sign, pray again and pedal. A__ confesses he has sinned on his training schedule and fears the wrath of 'The Don'. I spot D__'s friend M__, recent scriptures report of his sandal n toe-clip ascent of Hotham and figure that as Jesus wore sandals and had many followers I would become one of M__'s. Maybe he would share his divine powers? I looked around and see the three wise men A__,P__ and D__ climbing steadily, leading a flock of followers themselves.

At Cement Creek the gradient steps up, it should be christened Cement Legs because that's how I'm starting to feel. M__ say's 'have faith, if we keep this up we'll get there in under an hour'. We join up with Z__ and some road warrior brethren and levitate towards the top. The hellish pace is taking it's toll and I start to see a white light, imagining the tower at the summit has a tractor beam pulling us up. But the beam must be calibrated for carbon or a higher grade of aluminium than my Avanti because I get dropped: M__ is parting the air like Moses and the red Sea, sandals or not, I lose faith. It's tempting to stop at the spring and cool off with some holy water but the lure of the forbidden fruit of a sub-hour time is to tantalising. Lead into temptation I reach the top a minute and a bit over the hour, M__ did 1hr 55 sec - we have witnessed a miracle. Later hear that altar-boy B__ did 56 minutes. The prodigal son, or does he have the devil in him?

Descend, eat and start up the mountain again. It's not fun, every pedal stroke hurts but then think it's good prep for the Alpine. This thought cheers me up immensely but not as much as finishing, descending and getting off the bike for the day. I'm sure the feeling will be the same at the end of the Alpine.

Godspeed to you all,

S__

Moving from the sublime to the ridiculous, we then have:

Military Precision

Field Operations Report, Command Post Warburton

Operational Objectives:

Capture and hold high ground + observation tower at Mt Donna Buang, commanding approaches to Upper Yarra Valley.

Units Engaged:

First Irish Light Horse commanded by Brigadier O__

Primo Gruppo del Carabinieri d'Italia commanded by Generalissimo G__

HM Fourth Sussex Armoured commanded by Lieutenant-Colonel J__

Missing in Action:

Oakleigh Commando Group commanded by Corporal B__ (under investigation for possible desertion in the face of enemy fire)

Tenth Camberwell Infantry commanded by Major H__ (decimated prior to battle by unknown viral / chemical warfare agents)

Field Dispatches:

Following short parade and brief training drills, main engagement commenced at 0831. Heavy fighting on lower reaches of battleground against stiff enemy defences caused significant separation of allied forces, Irish Light Horse becoming isolated at front of formation. Somewhat easier progress made following capture of enemy forward outpost at Cement Creek. Irish Light Horse continued foolhardy charge at front whilst Carbinieri and Sussex Armoured consolidated rearguard positions. Main objective reached by Irish Light Horse at 0936, at which point desperate enemy unleashed biological Weapons of Mass Destruction in form of genetically engineered armour piercing marchflies. Bloody fighting ensued as Irish Light Horse (fortuitously assisted by chance encounter with South African Irregulars commanded by General G__ "Zulu Warrior" S__ and Australian Army Reservists under General C__) sought to repel WMDs whilst awaiting reinforcements from Carabinieri and Sussex Armoured. Despite eventual arrival of said reinforcements at 0950 approx, increasing hostile attack from WMDs necessitated rapid retreat and regrouping at base camp. Second assault initiated promptly but immediately apparent that enemy had been able to reinforce defensive placements in the interim resulting in far slower progress than on initial advance . (etc etc etc)

I could go on but I'm sure you get the general drift. Anyway, you shouldn't be reading this rubbish with less than three weeks to go to the Alpine, you should bloody well be out training! Preferably on Mt Donna Buang!! But it seems appropriate to finish with a final Donna-inspired limerick, returning to the same dubious theme with which I started this instalment:

The cops nabbed a lady named Donna

Who'd let legions of riders climb on her

When presented in court

Her defence was quite short

"Shaved legs are my weakness, Your Honour"

AAC Training Part 5 - Brain Strain to Explain Training Gain at House of Pain

Welcome to my secret world of hurt:

There might be an AFL venue somewhere (Subiaco?) with the moniker "The House of Pain", but I personally struggle to believe that the upstart claims of some manicured footy ground match those of my crumbling local velodrome, which just happens to be the venue for a lot of my recent - and painful - AAC training. As preparation for a 200km event with four massive mountain climbs, you may well wonder about the sanity of training on a flat 300m concrete track. I know I certainly do. But I'll do my best to explain, beginning with some basic scientific principles (pay attention now, there's an exam on the way out).

The pointyheads in sport science research have discovered something called "specificity" (just don't point your mouth in anyone else's general direction as you practise uttering that word). The drift is that to enhance your performance in a given activity, you need to tailor your training to that activity. (Why it took three generations of PhDs in Exercise Physiology to come up with an unpronounceable replacement for the term "common sense" might be fruitful ground for research in its own right) Training in some alternative discipline doesn't generally "cross over" well. Sadly, going to the gym for sessions of leg presses, squats, and other unnatural contortions is likely to improve your endurance cycling about as much as Britney Spears doing yoga will help realise her long-held ambition of becoming a brain surgeon.

So in general, if you want to get properly prepared for an event like the Alpine Classic, there'd better at least be a bicycle involved.

More specifically, the ideal training for our pet event probably involves living in Bright and riding the 200 km route weekly for a year.

But apart from robbing the big day of that epic quality that we all enjoy so much, there are a few practical issues with a training programme quite that specific. Aside from seasonal firefighting duties as a CFA volunteer - regular work but not too well paid - there are a limited number of jobs in the area for starters. So those of us forced by economic necessity to live and work in flatter parts of the world have to make do with less specificity (or is that "more generality"?)

And if we're stuck in flatter parts and busy with all that working and living, there are issues in finding time to visit any sort of mountain to work specifically on climbing specifics. So, irrationally determined as I have been to better my AAC PB, I began my own personal sport science research programme with the help of those 21st century oracles, Google and Wikipedia, to discover what form of training close to home, and manageable within a rather limited time budget, might possibly improve my pathetic climbing ability but avoid falling foul of the specifics of specificity.

To cut a long story short, the rough consensus seemed to be that something called "threshold intervals" might be the answer. This basically means finding a long flattish course with no traffic lights (which is where the velodrome comes in, and you smarties in the front row can put your hands down now please), getting on your bike, warming up, then riding at just about the highest pace you can hold for a duration of 20 - 30 minutes or so. Then resting a couple of minutes (cardiac defibrillation optional) and doing it again. If you're really insane you can even throw in a third repeat. Or throw up, depending on how hard you did interval #2.

The theory behind this apparent lunacy is that climbing well is all about "sustainable power" - which I had previously thought was a solution to global warming - and that these threshold intervals somehow increase your maximum sustainable power output, which further means that when you climb at a lower speeds than maximum (which you do in the Alpine unless you're Lance Armstrong or certifiably insane or both) you can do it more easily and for longer, ie sustainably. More to the point, with higher sustainable power you'll arrive at the business end of the 200km route having a slightly lower chance than usual of being reduced to grovelling up Buffalo at the speed of an arthritic snail. In my case anything that reduces that chance from its normal level of 99.9% has got to be worth trying at least once.

Or so I thought until I actually started trying it.

What I discovered is these exercises are called "threshold intervals" because they drive you to the threshold of madness - or probably beyond, since I'm still doing them. Basically, they hurt. A lot. I haven't personally experienced childbirth, and I know it goes on a bit longer than 20 - 40 minutes, but at least in the delivery suite there's a team ready on hand to provide nitrous oxide, epidurals, and other analgaesia of your choosing. On a velodrome you're on your own and the best you can do to drown out the shrieking from your legs and pained rasp of your breathing is to turn up the MP3 player's volume another notch or two. And hope its selected playlist doesn't finish early, exposing you to the dire aural risk of your tweenage daughter's Delta Goodrem tracks on top of the physical torture you are enduring.

Things were definitely easier back in my pre-AAC days when I could cruise along Beach Road in a bunch, maybe go to the front for a couple of k's, finish off with a coffee break, and claim afterwards to have been on a "training ride".

But as I steel myself for yet another of these sessions I console myself with a couple of thoughts:
- regardless of any improvements in my sustainable power I'm definitely well-prepared for sustainable pain, something the AAC never seems to lack
- if the fires don't go out and Phil ends up having to shift the event to the Wangaratta Velodrome I'll be the best (and most specifically) trained of the lot of you